Scarred for life.

22 Jun

So I drove into the city with my mam today. She had to leave something in with her union at Merrion Square (bloody communist!) and I thought I’d accompany her. That was my first mistake.

My second error in judgement was presuming that the drive would be a comfortable and safe one. Why wouldn’t it be? It was mostly on the motorway (highway for any Americans reading this) and even once we got to the city, the route was fairly straightforward.

The final and most critical fault in my reasoning was that I genuinely believed my mother to be a decent driver. No doyenne, but an acceptable one at least.

“But Simon!” I hear you holler at the top of your lungs, “How did you not know your mother’s driving abilities already? Surely she’s driven you places.” Not really. Never more than lifts here and there; she’s never driven me as far as Dublin, I usually get the bus.

Since 11am this morning, when we left, I’ve endured the horrified looks of several pedestrians as my mother almost ran them over, several occasions where no hands were on the steering wheel to “fix her hair”, a few seconds of going the wrong way ON THE BLOODY MOTORWAY, which in turn led to the single terrifying U-turn I’ve ever been involved in. Three red lights were broken in total and various death threats were thrown her way. She came out with horrifyingly memorable one-liners as “I ignore the lights” , “lets see if I can knock down those kids” and “that bastard in the suit is driving a Jag, will I try and block him in?”. I spent an unreasonable amount of times in the bus lane, despite the fact mam drives a small, silver Citroen. I’d quicker go on a gay pride parade in deepest, southernmost Texas where the reddest of necks hate people because they love God so much, before her driving me anywhere again.

On that note, I renounce my atheism. The fact that I’m still alive proves that there must be a divine power guiding us, for nature clearly wanted me dead today. Since all deities are equally (un)fathomable I’m gonna go with the Flying Spaghetti Monster. He seems the most delicious.

Brb, making pasta to honour His tastiness.



5 Responses to “Scarred for life.”

  1. quantumphysica June 23, 2012 at 9:08 am #

    Oh dear… Your mother sounds like a road-psychopath xD

    • Simon Mernagh June 23, 2012 at 10:29 am #

      Never setting foot into a vehicle with her again! Ever!

      • quantumphysica June 23, 2012 at 10:38 am #

        I can completely understand that xD

  2. Shane Keane June 26, 2012 at 10:50 pm #

    Only reading this now, made me laugh.

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